Let's Just Call This Day 2 Shall We

Since December I have been struggling! Struggling to stay focused with my diet and exercise. 1 year and 6 months into Crossfit and I should be way farther along than where I am now. I know exactly why too. Don't think that eating cupcakes, burgers, pizza, almond croissants, and white chocolate don't add up. Don't think that not going to the box consistently wont rear its ugly head when you least expect it. You cant out train a bad diet. Aint that the truth!  Today is Day 2. Day 2 of getting in the box and eating right aka Paleo. The Lurong Challenge starts in 2 weeks. But why should I wait? I did it on my own when I first started, I didn't wait for the "challenge." Plus, I'm just so disappointed in myself and need to change it now. I'm tired of waiting for the results that I work hard for then sabotage by eating like SHIT. I'm so done with that. I have NEVER been more focused and determined. it's not about being skinny or losing weight. It's about being STRONG, not only physically but MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY!  When I'm sad or feeling down  I want cupcakes. Guess what? I never felt any better after eating a cupcake than how I felt before I ate the dang thing. BUT, I have felt 100% better after doing a wod. I'm not the fastest, strongest, whatever you want to call it, person in the box but guess what? I give it what I got. I beat myself up mentally because I know where I was and I see where I am now. Physically, I gained 10lbs. I still fit in the same clothes-just much more snugly. Mentally, I have lost so much. But this is not about wallowing in my own pity. I can change and am doing so. Not trying to. Just doing it. There is no try. Just Do or DON'T DO. I'm tired of being a DON'T DO. I'm DOING! 

What I Learned Today

What I learned today.
Is that a question or a statement?
You want to know what I learned?
I learned that we are all the same.
I learned that no matter the package, clothes, role of family, age, gender-we are all the same.
We all make the same mistakes.
We all feel lonely.
We all keep secrets.
We all like to think we are better than the next person.
We want to think we will be better tomorrow than what we are now.
No one is exempt from this truth.
Maybe that is the only truth.

What I learned today.
I learned today that female is mother, sister, aunt, cousin, friend or foe.
Male is too.
Our roles in our life do not exempt us.
Nor do they define us.
Or who we are.
Or the choices we make.
The roles we play do not make us.
The roles change as we change.
As the people around us change.
As our expectations change.
As our happiness changes.
As our disappointments change.

What I learned today.
I have learned time and time again.
What I learned today.
I learned yesterday.
I will learn tomorrow.
I will continue to learn.

Until.

I can stop expecting.
Expecting for a certain behavior.
Expecting for a certain reaction.
Expecting for a certain acknowledgement.
Expecting for another outcome.
Expecting for someone to be greater than they are.
Expecting for something to be better than I thought.
Expecting better for myself.
Expecting the worst.
Expecting the best.

And start accepting.
Accepting the things I cannot change.
Accepting things for what they are.
Accepting you for who you are.
Accepting myself.

That is what I learned today.

Defeated

Sometimes I feel defeated. It's rather frustrating. My rational brain tells me that it is ok and it will get better. Really, the defeat I am feeling is mental and spiritual. There isn't a huge problem I am facing, a bad relationship, a terrible job, jail, death...It is simply defeat of the spirit. What keeps you going even when you feel you can't go anymore... Normally, I can pull myself out of this defeat and keep on chugging along. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or months...The problem is the damage that is done during that time. Not drugs, alcohol, or anything like that. Negativity, self loathing, eating, sleeping-these are all the symptoms. The damage is by no means irreversible. It is easily a simple fix. But getting from defeat to victory takes time. Just when I am almost victorious there goes my pride, soaring, feeling invincible only to be attacked by bad habits, bad choices, procrastination, shame. Defeat of the spirit and heart wreck havoc on the brain. The brain is the ultimate command center of your body. When feeling defeated you attract similar qualities. It is time to rise up. Maybe others may not feel this way. Am I the only person to feel it is either all or nothing? Go hard or go home? I know there must be a happy midway between these 2 extremes. I am not bipolar or clinically depressed. Don't get the wrong idea. I just feel like I am in a slump. Someone very dear to me said something along these lines: the more you want, the more you have, the more you work, the more stress you have; the less you want, the less you need, the less stress you have. I think his saying was more like decrease your wants and something about your needs. I cant remember exactly. Sometimes we want too much that we don't realize we may already have that but are too busy looking up or at others instead of paying attention to what is in front of us. I used to think that being in a relationship meant some sort of balance. If one person is feeling down then the other person would boost them up. That is not always the case. What we fail to remember is that the energy you put out is the energy you receive. Put out what you want to receive, even if it is the opposite of what you are currently feeling. I'm feeling down, but I will still treat others normally. I need to look inward to raise myself out of the deep well of self defeat. I know it will happen. It will happen soon. It will happen now.

Appreciation and Aggravation

Why is it that some people let the little things bother them so much? Why would you let it ruin your day? Take it out on the people around you? Is that really necessary? Is it going to change the situation? Can you express what you are feeling in another way instead of letting the frustration take over? Do you like it when the same is done to you? Do you realize how your body reacts when you choose to behave this way? By the time we realize these lessons it is usually too late. Why do you think that old people are wiser? They don't have some secret-they have learned these simple things over time. There is a time for everything- a time to experience anger and act out on it, a time to think you are invincible, a time to be physical, a time to appreciate what you once had... Why not appreciate it while you have it? Are beauty, energy, stamina really wasted on the youth? Tomorrow is not promised to us. The next minute or second is not promised to us. Live every day as your last...not in the sense you should spend your money, not save for the future. I mean live and love like you mean it. Don't spend your time bickering, spend the time appreciating the people around you who mean something to you. Don't get hung up on the small stuff because before you know it it will turn into something much bigger. In most circumstances the grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where it is watered and taken care of.